I waste my life pining for a man who set me aside.
Why do we do those things?
Want what we want and hope against hope?
I do not know.
I just know that I won’t call a man who told me to go away.
He said “move forward without me” which is the same thing.
He did me no favor.
He just stepped into the circle I drew around the other men who rejected me.
So I walk on.
But the heart in me loves the soul in him
And that isn’t going to fade away
Anytime soon.
Four years.
At first I thought that my actions insured the consequence of my having to rely solely on myself to survive. I believed that getting a divorce meant God could (or would) not bless me, support me, or assist me, but then he caused things to fall into place (behind the scenes) when I would run into obstacles, enabling me to overcome and move forward.
Because of these occurrences, I adjusted my thinking to accept that God allowed the rain to fall on the just and the unjust – But there was something else.
He was carrying me.
I was blinded by pain and I knew it.
I couldn’t see where I was going. I was stumbling on the path, yet He was there for those blind years, leading, guiding, showing me which way to turn when I came up against a wall.
Little by little, God has continued to draw me closer, and I have learned that He still wants relationship with this broken woman, which blows me away. I’m still smudged with soot on the inside of me, like a fireplace chimney.
When I first found the Lord, my life changed dramatically. I wanted to do great things for Him, big big things, but I didn’t do great things at all, in fact, my life was something I was often ashamed of.
What if…
What if I, like Sarah, tried to make things happen in my own strength due to my own natural reasoning, instead of simply living and obeying God while allowing Him to do what He has always done,
Bring it to pass –
In His way
In His Time
By His Spirit.
Do I understand God’s grace spilling onto my life?
No, nor do I advise going through a divorce to learn about His unconditional love, and faithfulness,
But I marvel as He continues to call me even still.
It causes flickers of hope to ignite within my depths that maybe, just maybe, God’s original plan for my life will be realized just yet.
– leah
The past two days contained rough waters
Demanding navigation
From a girl without a paddle
From a woman with no oars.
An authority upset with me – half for the wrong reason, and half with good reason, (a weak area in performance).
There were demands, “Amend this.”. One can fix the second, but not the first.
There was a time-table that seemed impossible,
And there I was
in rough river flow,
with no idea how to navigate the unfamiliar wisely.
Yet today,
The Lord came through in the area of the first,
Blowing me away,
Again.
I’m imperfect.
My heart in need of cleansing
Often,
But his grace….
It confuses me.
It’s continual nonjudgmental flow
Is like a waterfall onto undeserving humans
Waiting at the bottom
Standing knee-deep in their mire
Face up,
Needy while simultaneously sated.
And here it is again on this sinner,
Soaking me through to the bone.
He lives.
Jesus Lives.
Our Father sees,
And He Gives Grace abundant to his children.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
– leah
Today is an emotional day.
Yesterday was too, and I did my best to throttle every fanciful thought that cropped up in my mind uninvited, the way we try to stop weeds from overtaking our garden.
But today –
Today is the day that humility clothes me like a garment.
I am reviewing things from last year, expenses, unexpected ones, scary big ones that could have sabotaged my day-to-day and rendered me quite helpless,
But God.
The One who created this earth and then deposited life upon it –
the One who doesn’t make things and then abandon them –
The Best Father In The World –
who provides opportunities to work –
He looks ahead on the timeline of a life and He prepares a path.
If we would only be obedient to his quiet gentle voice.
Every nightmarish situation that threatened was met by his hand.
And he did it in such a way that I was able to build dignity – work very hard – and see fruits of labor.
He is so amazing, how he sets us up in the most delightful of ways.
“I am going to give you the ability to do this thing, and as you complete your task, you will have more skills than when you began, you will have learned difficult lessons, you will be stretched and challenged, and you will grow.”
How can one resist a Father like that?
He is the best, most loving…
(no words).
I remember when I was angry at him.
I remember when I didn’t trust him.
I remember when I was terrified of him.
And I remember when he showed me his good nature…
I was holding Josiah – he was just a baby.
I was filled with a powerful maternal love for my little boy, like the rushing waters of Niagra.
The pregnancy was high risk, and I paid an emotional and physical price for him to be here.
I knew that my other three may not have a new little brother if things didn’t go well, maybe even lose their mother.
But God was faithful and he kept us safe.
As I sat there holding my little baby, adoring him and enjoying his soft cuddly body in my arms, a very strong impression came over me – a “knowing”.
The kind of feeling you would have if a warm breeze blew not only over you, but through you – it was like that.
And I knew – Just as my little boy who could not – at that moment – comprehend with his little mind, the depth of love and sacrifice his mother had surging inside of her for him – so was our mind incapable of truly understanding the love of our Heavenly Father toward us.
He too, sacrificed for us –
He too, caused us to come into existence –
And He too, adores us beyond measure.
Ever since that day – I have been secure in the love of God as my Father.
Which brings me back to today – going over things from last year, I see that he is “raising” me still, like the best kind of father does for his children, no matter how old they are.
Humility clothes me.
I am emotional.
I am tender toward all the best things.
I am humbled and am attempting to walk on the earth in a quiet way before the One who made it,
Who made me…
Who made You.
We have – The Best Kind of Father.
– leah
It is funny, how we can allow our vessels, the clay pots we inhabit,to get so filmy inside.
Maybe things we read, or see, or allow ourselves to see…
Things we listen to, allow to enter into us…
I have been thinking about something since March.
A lot.
In English Lit, the children had to read a story about a woman who was denied her rightful dowry – money and possessions – by her guardian/brother.
She was married, and then he refused to honor the tradition and kept her things.
It wasn’t that the man she married needed her things, He was wealthy.
But it was a matter of pride to her – a woman likes to bring something to the table, too, in a life-changing event of such importance.
The story and movie have to do with more than a woman’s honor, it has to do with a man’s (her husband’s) commitment to be true to himself as well.
I purchased the movie and the children watched it – John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara. Great movie.
“The Quiet Man.”
Long story short – I have been contemplating the time-honored and time-dissolved tradition of a woman’s dowry.
It no longer exists in much of our culture, but I think that women still want to bring something valuable to a relationship,
Add something to the pot, so to speak.
And I thought of character,
Integrity. Faithfulness. Honesty. Peacefulness. SelfLESSness. Kindness. Gentleness. Generosity,
The things that I believe true wealth consists of.
I examine my heart as I journal like a person checks their bank account to see what is in there,
and I think women and men would both do well to amass such loving character traits in great quantity – and distribute to those who are close to them.
We can get spiritually slimy inside.
If water is going to issue forth from us, the people around us should be able to drink it without feeling sick.
It is crucial.
Add to this,
Healthy blood flowing through our nervous system,
Healthy marrow in our bones,
Healthy muscle tissue making up our form…
It all takes daily maintenance – like the long term care of an inherited property.
How wealthy is your dowry, today?
How healthy is your “property”?
– Just thoughts
Chains.
Shackles.
Bound around one’s ankles so close to the skin that one fears they will go to the grave with them attached.
No one knows how to safely remove them without injuring themselves.
If they did – they wouldn’t be wearing them.
Habits.
Compulsions.
Addictions wound around the heart like seaweed wrapped around the legs of the dock, or roots of weeds strangling life out of a garden’s treasure.
So hard to remove.
But not impossible.
For God.
What troubles you this day?
What ensnares your heart?
Take it to the King.
He has purchased your freedom.
All you need do is ask.
He will give you the key.
– leah
I can’t sleep.
Thinking about what God is doing lately.
Sharing some of it with you.
You know – when I am working with a little child in a therapy session, sometimes I have to run a “my turn” trial.
It is when I hold my hand out – palm up – for the item that they are holding or playing with, and I say, “My Turn”.
A child that does not know how to share, or does not want to share, grips their toy more tightly.
I’ll move my hand closer. “My turn”, I say. And I wait for the object.
Sometimes I have to gently take the toy from the child – sometimes just waiting quietly is enough.
Once it is in my hands, I will hold it for a few seconds and give it back right away – praising them for sharing – each time.
The trial is meant to teach – so the time that I hold the toy gets longer over weeks, until I can hold a toy for one or two minutes and the child is not hitting or crying or running away with the item. 😊
Trust is established.
Patience is learned.
Going without for a while is also learned.
We adults go through these trials with the Lord. Sometimes we have to give something or someone up for a little while.
Sometimes forever.
Sometimes we can’t let go and God gently removes the thing.
And we cry.
God gently removed a thing from me once. At least, God’s hand was in it.
Just because a thing is out of your hands, it doesn’t mean it is out of your heart.
I knew I was supposed to surrender – and I went through the motions and prayed the prayers many times, but my heart simply was not in the yielding,
At least, not completely.
In my brain I knew it wasn’t mine.
In my SPIRIT I knew it was ultimately God’s,
But in my heart…
In my heart I was gripping tightly.
I had not yet relinquished.
And that is what God wanted from me.
He wanted the heart of a daughter that freely surrendered what he required.
He kept saying, “Surrender”.
“What do you mean, ‘Surrender’? You have it, don’t you? Isn’t that enough?”
– “No, Alma. I can see you. I am holding the item but you still possess it in your heart. Let It Go.“.
It seems silly to imagine my saying to one of the children in therapy, “Let it go.”, if I am holding the item – unless you look at the child’s face and observe that – even though the object is in the grown up’s hand – it really hasn’t been surrendered, and the child is devising a way to get it back as soon as they are able.
While I wasn’t actually devising, I was waiting for it to be given back, the way the children wait for me to give their toys back to them.
Recently, God again brought me to a place of surrender with this situation.
I’m not sure what made it possible this time.
Maybe I had reached a new level of trust with the Lord.
Maybe I just wanted what HE wanted more than what I wanted… in this category, at least?
I only know that once again, during prayer, the Lord said, “Let’s take a walk.”, and He led me to that familiar altar of sacrifice and patiently requested that the core of my heart be laid upon it by my own hand.
I surprised myself!, Even as I stood there, because for once I was able to say, “Yes Lord. I only want that thing to come to pass if that is what You think is best.”.
And I meant it.
It feels so odd, Liberating in a way.
Painful – but not nearly as painful as I imagined.
And this new sense of freedom eases the pain.
But that is not all.
There is a new intimacy with the Lord.
A deeper sense of knowing and a stronger sense of loving.
The only way I know to describe it is to once again compare it to the children with whom I work. If a stranger tries to talk to them or teach them, they run to and clutch me tightly, or they hide behind my legs.
I have become their safe place in the face of uncertainty and unfamiliar surroundings, the one to cling to, to Trust in, And God has become that safe place for me.
Trust, Love, and Intimacy; They all lie in wait on the other side of the altar of surrender, and if you want those things bad enough, the item you are clutching tightly to your chest will become less valuable to you, even though it may be the most precious thing in all the world.
It will still be precious – just not as precious as a deeper walk with Christ.
-leah
