He’s Gone

I didn’t anticipate losing him the way I did.

One day we were in the middle of exploring one another’s personalities, characters, and senses of humor,
The next day,
The phone call.

He was leaving, and instead of trying to continue,
He thought we should stop.

Not pause a moment,
Not wait a moment,
Not slow down…
But stop.

What does a person say when the other half of the potential team decides he’d rather play alone?

Or with someone else…?

The person says the only thing that can be said.

“God bless you.”
“I love you.”
“Goodbye.”

One moment there,
The next moment,
Not.

I looked back at time invested,
Emotion spent,
Every loving sentiment,
spoken,
written,
whispered in the dark,
And I examined my heart.

“Do you regret them?
Alma…
Do you?”

I wanted to say yes, because here I stood with empty arms,
Nothing to show for the investment of a soul’s best treasure,
But I did have something to show.

While he was here,
I gave.

Someone received my best,
The way trees receive water,
And flowers receive sun,
And lovers revel in moonbeams
That slip into windows
to splash light across their bedclothes
as they lie quietly,
telling secrets,
And stories,
In the night.

I watered.
I shone.
And someone benefitted
Even if it was only for a minute,
Give or take a year
Or two
Or…

I would like to be angry,
But I can’t be angry with any one I love.

Sober.
Mindful.
Cautious, yes.
But Angry?
No.
Not for more than a second.

Love cannot help it.
It is the Niagra,
Always cascading out of the heart
And onto the people below
Standing on the deck of the Maid of the Mist.

Powerful
Watery
Misty
Torrents.

Unending love.

One moment he was there,
The next moment,
He was Not.

And I adjust to the new reality,
The reality of his absence
Every day.

I didn’t anticipate losing him the way I did.
But the facts remain,
I did.

And the curious thing is…
The sun still shines
And I still laugh,
And when I wake,
I look forward to the day.

He was a part of my life,
One of the best parts, ever.
But he was not my life.

My life – is my own.

And even without him,
It’s still amazing.

– leah ♡

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