If there is something that I love most in the whole world,
it is my children.
And I miss them.
Before I was divorced, I was a home-school mother. My children were with me, 24/7. They went everywhere with me.
Children grow up, go to college, and get married.
When my daughter moved out of the house I would wander the rooms, walk the hallway with my fingers trailing patterns on the wall, and the silence was too loud for me to bear.
She is a singer, she plays the piano, and she composes music.
When she left, music disappeared and the quiet – it was just unbearable.
The lilt of her laughter, the musical tone of her voice, the actual singing – all of it, gone.
Her smell, her clothing, her presence.
I did not prepare for the sudden absence of everything Sonja, and I had a very bad year that year.
It prepared me, though, for the future.
With three more children to raise and say goodbye to, I needed the crash course in letting go.
It was good for everyone involved.
But the divorce – that was different – because the court system decided that both parents deserved fair and equal time with the children, but they were wrong.
In this case, they were wrong.
Developmental stages that are supposed to be lived through are not being lived through.
The shock and trauma of the separation of parents added to the children living in two separate homes, every other week did not help them cope. It added to the chaos instead of contributing to their stability, routine, and security.
And I am suffering the loss as well.
No longer home-schooling,and working many evenings – the hours I spend with my children now compared to the hours I spent with them before – are drastically different. Their anger at the one they were supposed to love and trust the most is difficult for them to carry in their hearts and we need extra time together to heal, not less!
I take them to counseling.
Divorce is a sin in the Bible, so their mom is a sinner in their eyes.
How can I tell them about the years of repetitive betrayal, the violence they didn’t see, and the other maddening things that contributed to the breakdown of a unit that was supposed to be one in Christ?
I cannot and will not.
They are going to have to grow into adults before I allow them knowledge of the madness, and even then I may never do it.
Why pollute their psyches with things they don’t need to know?
There is no good reason.
But I miss them.
We are living half of what God intended.
But we are living.
We do have access to one another.
It is up to me to make sure those times are good, healthy, peaceful, and stable times.
Giving birth – raising my children – and the desire to adopt more – those things are built into me, and they are not noble.
They are a part of my make-up, like bark on a tree simply exists, those things simply exist inside of me.
I am suffering the loss of my children’s daily presence in my life – but they suffer more for they are developing and it needs to be done in a healthy way.
So, I pray – I ask God to give me guidance and insight, and then I try to be a beacon of light and hope and love when my children are in my presence. It is all we have – the ability to see the time together for the gift that it is, and to redeem it.
I share my heart today for the mothers who miss their children.
You are not alone.
Keep your head up.
Keep your heart strong.
And give them what they need when they are with you.
In Your Corner….